I am just finishing the book Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky . It is one of the BEST books I’ve ever read.
You can always tell how much I like a book by the amount of pages I have bent in half or the amount of pages with corners creased over. I love my kindle, but there is nothing, nothing like the pages of a real book.
I could write several posts about different “themes” or ideas I got from the book. I am only choosing one today because it applies to a conversation I recently had with a coworker
She’s been in an “on again, off again” relationship with a guy for several years. Her reasons for sticking around despite his questionable behavior are justified by her naive idea of seeing his “potential”. Why do women do this? Why do they fall in love with the potential of a man, and not the man himself? Always hoping that what they think he can be, is what he will be if they just try hard enough; if they just give him some time.
"And that’s how it always is with these beautiful Schillereque souls; till the last moment they dress a man up in peacock feathers, till the last moment they hope for the good and not the bad; and though they may have premonitions of the other side of the coin, for the life of them, they will not utter a real word beforehand; the thought alone makes them cringe; they wave the truth away with both hands, till the very moment when the man they’ve decked out so finely, sticks their nose in it with his own two hands."
Here is my question. How MUCH time do you spend trying to change a person into what you hope they can be? How much time do you spend convincing yourself that one day, in some instance, this person will see the light, they will meet their potential? How many times will a man prove to you that he is not a good man before you decide it for yourself? years? that seems like a lot of life to waste.
It isn’t just my coworker who has battled this, I have several friends who have stayed in relationships far too long because they are either hanging on to something that is already gone or gripping onto hope for a future that is never guaranteed. They often share their stories and ask advice but seldom do they take it. It seems the fear of being alone outweighs the heaviness of being with someone who isn’t right for you.
I did similar things in a past relationship. Ultimately what it has done is change me, it never once changed the person I was hoping would do the changing. People are who they are, and all of your efforts, no matter how well intentioned, will make no difference in a person who is not willing to make a change. For the most part, the more time you spend “working” on this person, the more you convince them that there is no reason to change at all, you’ve already stayed long enough to prove that.
Dear women, your job is never to convince someone to love and respect you. This should be given freely, no strings attached. If someone’s way of being in the world is disruptive to who you are and the way you feel, move on. Life is too precious, and unbelievably short. New people can’t love you the way you should be loved if you’re stuck convincing someone else that you’re worthy.